This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.