My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Milk Cube
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.