The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Finally a use for spoilers…
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Guy who likes music
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.