“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
knights of the ikea table
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.