Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.