I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate