cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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Comparing yourself to others
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I have a type: disappointing
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.