Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003