Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom