God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’m being attacked 😭