Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I would like even faster food.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.