Make new friends? bro out of what?
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
This is a true ally.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.