My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
You Might Also Like
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize