I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
23. the denim jacket
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.