Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.