Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me trying to reach for my goals
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.