Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
…u ok Nintendo?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”