My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?