Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Worst perfume name ever.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I never needed anything more in my life
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave