*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
😅😅😅
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”