a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running