Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
🍞🦆
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.