Who comes up with this kinda stuff
You Might Also Like
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
The devil.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay