“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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Phones down.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I have written yet another poem about laundry