do u think theres a butter planet?
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Merry Christmas
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?