*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me trying to reach for my goals
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.