Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.