“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You Might Also Like
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
gm
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.