Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.