Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica