“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Every BBC series about the universe.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
The point of your 20s
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Breaking news:
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here