my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My therapist after every session
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand