Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.