[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
You Might Also Like
choose your fighter
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*