You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Ferrari squats
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
🙋♀️
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.