What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix