I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Body by Oreos
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear