“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.