Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
the clam before the storm
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s