Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!