*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Probably my best painting.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!