I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”