Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You Might Also Like
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.