I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.