I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean