I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.