Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?