‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?