i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
🙄😏😂🤣