I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*